You know that feeling of … desperation?
Yeah. It’s the worst feeling ever.
It’s the feeling of trying with all your might to get something you’re not getting.
It’s the feeling of being let down.
It’s the fear that you’ll never get what you want.
Sometimes your physical health can lead you here. Your traumatized brain stops working properly. Your gut lining breaks down and the happy chemical receptors stop transmitting. Desperation ensues.
Sometimes this feeling comes from a relationship. Which is never about the other person - whether they’re a physical being sitting next to you or a best friend in the ether - it’s always about you and your boundaries.
(Which I think we can all agree is egregiously annoying but also deeply empowering. Once we stop being annoyed.)
Sometimes the way out is through. Sometimes the way out is … simply by walking out.
A few years ago, I walked out on my guides.
It’s not you, it’s me.
I’m just not happy, and I’m sick of putting in the work and always feeling disappointed.
Obviously, this doesn’t have anything to do with them.
It was purely my exhaustion, my burn out, how I engaged with myself, and how I projected that onto my etheric guides who had only ever helped me.
Sometimes we need help in new ways.
So I stopped doing the things I always did: Talking to them a lot, translating their messages for myself and for others, asking for help.
Instead, I just … existed.
I let life show me what it wanted.
I stopped trying so hard, I stopped trying to get what I wanted, I let the desperation leak out of my life.
It was freeing. To not have to try so hard. To not have to beat myself up when things didn’t work out.
I could just … be.
It was more a slow tectonic drift than a dramatic rift of the stomping out the door variety.
I wasn’t exactly giving them the cold shoulder, I just wasn’t putting any effort in. And it was such a goddamn relief.
Like any good best friend, they crept back in. They sent messages in other ways. Through other people, through the internet, via my own life. I listened. But I didn’t try for answers. I didn’t grasp for results. I had been working too hard. Trying to channel them, trying to bring messages through, trying to get what I wanted out of interactions.
It wasn’t their fault, I was just processing through a lifetime of past patterns and accumulated false beliefs and trauma-fueled ways of being that I projected onto my innocent etheric guides. Sorry, Mother Mary.
So we broke up.
More accurately, we took a break.
We’re still friends. We still hang out, but it’s more unconscious.
Grasping is done, desperation is done. And I’m slowly, slowly opening to receiving instead.
I just needed a break from how I’ve done things in the past.
More ease. More rest. More relief. More support for my body and brain than my etheric life.
We’ll have forever in the ether. We have a finite amount of time in this body and this life. So this is where I want to focus. All help is welcome, but I’m not going to beg for it any more.
This probably isn’t forever. Maybe my guides and I will get back together. Maybe we’ll work together again. But I don’t want to do it because I feel like I have to, like it’s the only way forward. I want to do it because it’s fun, because we like hanging out. Not because I need something from them.