Or, perhaps more accurately, the most important thing I’ve learned about gratitude after years of being annoyed by those Instagram posts urging me to “Be grateful!” when everything felt like it was collapsing, and then I had to feel terrible about not being able to feel grateful for my objectively lovely life.
Here’s the Secret:
You can’t spackle gratitude over pain that needs to be acknowledged. You can’t paste appreciation over feelings that need to be felt.
I mean, you CAN. You can do anything. I believe in you.
But here’s a piece that’s often missing when people talk about gratitude and appreciation practices. Which are wonderful and life-changing - appreciation is an energy that can shift your perspective and experience in a hot second - but you can’t skip over the feelings to get there.
If the very thought of a gratitude practice annoys the ever-loving snit out of you? (Been there. Fist bump, friend.) It’s time to dredge up the feelings. Check in with yourself to see what needs to be felt, acknowledged, loved, listened to, met as a friend. When we do that, when we let ourselves rant, yell, vent, complain, or otherwise yank up whatever goop we’ve been trying to stuff into our spleen, that’s when gratitude and appreciation begins to rise up naturally.
We won’t have to grasp for it or force it. It will just float to the top. Because all the heavier feelings sitting on top of the true appreciation have lifted.
My experience with gratitude - even for my objectively very lovely life - has shown me over and over that if I try to jump to gratitude without honoring my upset or frustration just doesn’t work.
As a champion feelings suppresser born of world-class repressers, I had to learn how to do this. (My whole family has done a lot of work here, except for my Dad who died first. One could argue he died to get out of it. Feel your feels! It will keep you alive!) I had to learn how to feel first. Say my piece. Vent a bit. Get out whatever’s festering.
If I could say one thing to the world, it would be this:
If you’re feeling blocked - creatively, financially, or anywhere else - there may be some feelings to acknowledge. Listen to them. Feel them as sensation in your body without writing a whole Broadway musical about them. (I mean, DO write a whole Broadway musical about them. But if you’re trying to write that musical and can’t, it’s probably because your feelings will be divas until you say “hi” and “how can I help” and “you’re pretty.”)
Once you feel the things, you won’t have to force the appreciation, creativity, or love. It will be a part of you. You won’t have to feel bad about not being able to muster up gratitude for your objectively lovely life. You can just bask. Until the feelings return.