My soul genuinely thinks I have a trust fund.
Maybe it's because our larger selves don't register money the way we humans must. My understanding is that we all have this big umbrella and the human you that's reading this right now is only one aspect standing under the big umbrella of you. All your past selves, past lives, and whatever else you're doing while your human is charging around on earth - all of them are under this larger umbrella. And that umbrella is deeply connected to the universal field of intelligence, is an intrinsic part of it, which is where my umbrella metaphor falls apart.
Whatever the reason, my soul is always yelling YES! to things my human bank account can't yet afford. It's like having to say no to a toddler every single day. If that toddler had a wonky hip and really wanted to go to the chiropractor, but also has shoulders that currently have more chemistry in common with concrete than human flesh and wants to go to the masseuse, but also has teeth that the dentist keeps saying need very expensive things and hahahaha, no, they aren't covered by your insurance! Let's not even revisit the sleep thing and what my brain may or may not need right now. (I still don't trust Kaiser. They keep trying to diagnose my brain based solely on what my brain says about itself.)
But what my soul really wants, aside from the basics to keep my body functioning, is expensive trips. The Giraffe Manor in Kenya. Hot springs in Iceland, preferably with the Northern Lights overhead. Penguins anywhere I can find penguins. Any place that's had a restaurant on Chef's Table and can I please eat there.
My soul also wants classes and seminars - not the cheap ones, no. It wants the expensive ones. I could easily spend a year's tuition (granted, a year's worth of Barnard tuition from the late '90s, no idea what preposterous amount it is now) on all the things I want to learn this year.
Since my soul moves faster than my bank account, I try to figure out how to do things on my own. I can't get to Kenya on my own, but I can stalk the giraffes on their instagram account! I can't pay for all the education I want, but I can do my best to figure things out on my own using the library! But it starts to feel isolating. Because I'm doing everything by myself with the help of the internet or books. I could create a community around it, but I want to do too many disparate things for that to make sense, and also communities require an incredible amount of time and energy. Isolation is faster. But that's frustrating, which is a sign of misalignment for me.
So, honestly, what I'm focusing on right now is money. Creating it in a way that doesn't require me to be a cog in the capitalistic machine - which I couldn't do at this point, even if I wanted to. Receiving it in a way that's good for me and everyone around me. Remembering that hard work doesn't create money - just look at the distribution of wealth in this world. The teachers and nurses and firefighters and gardeners and food service workers don't have it.
The more my life, soul, nervous system, and what I see happening in the world feel deeply affected by money, the more I want to dig into the Way Things Work and change it. I'm starting to get really intense about this. Especially about my belief that the big money should be in the hands of women. Women do good things with it. Women distribute it. Women take care of people with it. (A lot of men do too, but historically the disparity has been wide. Also, when I think about wealthy females, I think of Dolly Parton. When I think about wealthy males, I think Musk and Bezos and...you probably get my point.)
I'm still tuning in about what to do with this. How to help, in a way that creates money. How to fill my own cup first, so I don't screw myself and my health over again by doing too much for too little. How to help everyone have the money and resources they need to take care of themselves, their families, and the world - in whatever way is correct for them.
Stay tuned, I guess. Whatever I do over here in my little corner, the money ride is getting wild.
Love, Amber
P.S. To the people in Cash Compass, thank you. To the people who support me on Patreon, thank you. To my future agent, who will help me figure out what to do with all these books, thank you. To the people who pay me to write things, thank you. You are all the reason I can pay my bills, and that is something my delicate-peony nervous system needs. Next up, giraffes.