For years, I led myself through my life by writing about it. I would start with a question and write myself to an answer or a new perspective.
I’ve been moving through a cocoon stage for awhile now, dissolving into sticky goo, napping in the life-giving sludge, and then popping my head out to see what’s going on.
I keep thinking I’m out of it, that the wings are growing, but then I leap off something only to fall on my face.
Honestly, that might be life. Cocoon or not. But I want to lead myself through my current challenges and into the next phase. Whatever it is.
Do you sometimes experience a problem for so long that you just want a new problem? You get so sick of the problem and yourself in the problem that a forward move would be nice, but you’ll also accept a lateral move just for the change of scenery?
To be fair, I am seeing this particular problem from a new angle. I’ve actually moved through quite a few levels and layers of this problem, ascended to a few new heights with it. But it’s still here. Hi, problem.
If you’re wondering what the problem actually is - way to be vague, Amber - it’s money. It costs a lot of it to live in Northern California, especially when you have health issues that suck up a lot of cash and you want to start traveling again and you have a book buying habit.
So how do we solve problems we don’t know how to solve?
At first, we revert to a past version of ourselves. For me, it was the version of myself that got a job. The version of myself that tried to use my brain to figure it out. The version of myself that wanted answers and clarity, and wanted them now, damn it.
All that got me was a lot of frustration and exhaustion brought on by overthinking.
The answers of my past will not get me to the future I want.
What will get me there is still subject of debate, but here’s what I’m trying:
Rebuilding self-trust by keeping promises to myself.
I’ve always been a “bite off more than I can chew” kind of human - what can I say, if a little motion goes a long way, a lot goes even further - and I’ll overdo it and crash and burn.
So I’m trying a few promises and for a shorter length of time. Like, if I can stay away from gluten and sugar this week, I will have succeeded. Promise kept. If I exercise everyday this week, even if it’s just a half hour walk, promise kept.
Following my design.
I’m obsessed with human design, and learning to master how this works for me. For example, since I’m a Manifesting Generator, I’m heading in the right direction when I’m satisfied and in the wrong direction when I’m frustrated. I do best when I follow my intuitive hits in the moment - with a deeply felt yes or no. (Note to any friends and family who read this: Asking me vague questions will just confuse me. Asking me a yes or no question like, “Do you want Thai food right now?” will bring clarity for all.) (Yes, I want Thai food right now.)
How this relates to money: I have intuitive hits all the time about things I want to do, things I want to offer, ways to help. I’m practicing receiving the intuitive hit (or thought) (yes, intuitive hits can present as thoughts) and then checking it with my sacral by asking myself a yes/no question and going with the quick answer. Then actually doing that thing when I think of it. Rather than putting it on a list or scheduling it and trying to follow my schedule. This is likely going to mean I do a lot more things with a lot less notice, but I’m trusting that will work out.
Channeling money healings for myself and others.
This has actually helped a lot - since last year, it’s created a lot of ease and flow in my nervous system and finances, but there’s still a lot more to do, which is why I’m going to keep creating money healings until this problem is solved. For myself and anyone who joins me.
For me, right now, it’s about showing up fully. Trusting that things will work out. That if I show up in the way I’m meant to show up, the money will follow. It has in the past, it just requires a lot of me. Working on my business while also working on my books while also taking extremely good care of myself. That’s a lot to do, especially when you’re tired and your head hurts and you don’t have a boss breathing over your shoulder so you could get back in bed with that pile of books on your bedside table if you really wanted to.
And I will. At some point. But not before I do all the things my intuition and sacral are asking of me today. Headache or no.
Love,
Amber